terence and a bunch of his survivalist buddies set out on friday night for the hills to do some serious training.
when they got to the campsite, zack, the leader, called the guys together and told them they needed to start getting their act together and do some serious training this week, that they had been slacking and coasting lately, and that if they were not serious about getting ready for the coming apocalypse, maybe they should just join a weekend beer drinking club instead.
just as zack was finishing his exhortation, a great light appeared in the sky, and a space ship landed.
it was about twenty feet high and eighty feet wide, and had a rectangular shape.
“that does not look very efficient for traveling through space, “ terence observed.
“probably because they traveled through time, not space,” zack explained patiently.
the door of the ship - space ship or time ship or whatever it was - opened and a creature emerged and approached the guys.
it was about nine feet tall, and looked like either a cyborg or something encased in heavy armor. it moved in a stiff way, pumping its heavy legs up and down in a regular rhythm.
zack pointed his mtj-78 at it and the creature laughed heartily.
“go ahead, my friend, if you are not afraid of your round bouncing back and hitting you, ha ha!”
zack did not lower his weapon. “you speak good english, anyway. what can we do for you?”
“not what you can do for us, my friend,” the alien answered. “but what we can do for you.”
“and what might that be?” zack asked.
“we can give you an opportunity for some real training. a taste of real war, in real time.”
zack was intrigued, but asked as casually as he could, “and why would you want to do that? in words of one syllable, what is in it for you?”
“well, my friend,” the alien continued. “let me back up a little, and explain to you exactly who i am and what i am doing here.”
“that sounds like a good idea,” zack admitted.
“my name is yargo, and i am a commander in the space fleet and army of the xxxxian empire, which has ruled the axandon galaxy wisely and well for countless millennia. now, however, the various tribes and races that we have ruled so wisely and so well, have been led astray by evil troublemakers and demagogues, and in a fury of ingratitude, have rebelled against us - “
“hey,” zack said, “that sounds familiar. sounds a lot like what us white men have right here and now. what do you think, guys?”
“let the guy finish,” pete told zack. “let’s hear what he has to say.”
“what i have to say.” the alien continued, “ is that despite our superior firepower, our superior civilization and technology, our superior tactics and strategy and generalship, and having right on our side, the little bastards are overwhelming us with sheer numbers. so we need all the help we can get, even from untrained dummies - excuse me, but it is the truth - like yourselves. as for what is in it for you, i can only say that the only real training is war itself - not running around these peaceful green hills and drinking beer. so, do you want some real training? or not?”
“put us in, coach!” zack and terence and the guys all shouted as one!
“i knew you would - i could see you guys were real warriors as soon as i saw you.” the alien pointed to the ship. “all right. get on board. no need to take those pathetic weapons with you - we will issue you some real weapons.”
the guys all put their weapons in the rack in the bed of zack’s truck, and followed commander yargo into the ship.
they were led down a corridor to what looked like the waiting room of a doctor’s office, with plastic chairs and a big round plastic table. the plastic chairs were covered in a spongey looking material.
“wait here,” yargo told them.
a couple of the guys sank down into the sponge-covered chairs.
“damn, this is comfy,” pete exclaimed. ”i got to get me one of these!”
“it’s like getting a massage,” rex agreed.
terence and bear and zack did not sit down right away but picked up some of the comic books and magazines on the round table.
terence picked up an “archie vs batman” comic and began flipping through it. he was not impressed, even though he had never seen an archie and batman together comic.
bear picked up a magazine called “modern ammo” . he read a little bit. “check this out,” he said, “the great new cartridges for your asv-39.”
“asv-39!” zack exclaimed. “there ain’t no such thing!” he dropped the magazine he had started to read. “guys, something is not right here.”
no sooner had he opened his mouth than pete and rex and the other guys who had sat in the chairs started screaming.
the chairs were devouring them! the spongey material began boiling over then and holding them captive!
“fuck this!. let’s haul ass!” zack cried. terence and bear and the other guys who had not sat in the chairs hesitated for a second.
joe bob tried to grab rex and pull him out of the chair that had almost covered him with boiling goo!
big mistake! joe bob got sucked into the chair himself in seconds!
the others made a break for it! they raced back down the corridor into the open air.
yargo - or another alien who looked just like him - was waiting for them with the longest barreled , nastiest looking weapon they had ever seen .
he blew zack’s head off with a single shot!
terence and bear and morty hauled some serious ass down the hill!
but they made it. they looked back and saw the ship taking off back into the sky.
“that’s the last time i trust a fucking alien!” morty gasped.
“amen, brother,” bear agreed. “add them to the motherfucking list.”
they made it back down to the highway just as dawn was breaking.
terence got a ride from a trucker and made it back to the city just in time to take a shower and change and get to work.
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