Monday, September 26, 2016

a news item

police chief cindy norris announced today that the police would not pursue an investigation into the killing of cathy marlowe.

the severely mutilated body of marlowe, 37, of 42 hayes road, was found behind the parking lot of randy’s drive-in restaurant early tuesday morning.

chief norris stated that there was no question ms marlowe had died at the hands of another person or persons but that “ we are committed to our new program of only expending our resources on the killing of people who were of value to the community or who will be missed by at least one other person. everyone we have spoken to, including her own family, agree that ms marlowe was a worthless piece of human garbage and that her death is a clear case of addition to the community by subtraction.”

district attorney jack phillips concurred. “trying her killer would have been a nightmare for the prosecution. we always like to appeal to the jury’s sympathies by having friends and family of the victim testify as to their loss, but this would not have been applicable in this case.”

interviews wth family and acquaintances of ms marlowe seemed to substantiate the statements of the chief and the district attorney.

“i hated her from the day she was born,” said her sister, dolly chamberlain, 42, of 55 davis street, “she was a disgusting little snotnose, always whining about something.”

“she definitely drove our poor mother to her grave,” agreed her brother, ray marlowe, 44, of 132 main street. “or at least to drink. and she was the biggest reason our father ran way. we all feel a huge sense of relief that she is gone now herself, and we will never have to listen to her bullshit any more.”

“i remember her from first grade, “ said marcia waters, a waitress at randy’s drive-in. “she bit me once, and other kids too, and she picked her nose like a zombie.”

“she was a pig,” a neighbor, paul rafferty, told this reporter. “i wouldn’t have fucked her with somebody else’s dick.”

“she ruined my life,” said dan johnson, another neighbor. “i fucked her once, when we were in high school, and nobody in town has let me forget it since.”

other people testified that ms marlowe was a racist and a pro-lifer, and expressed strong opposition to same-sex marriage.

edie farmer. a co-worker of ms marrlowe’s at 7-11, said “yes, she was always running on about killing little babies. i used to tell her she herself was the world’s greatest argument for abortion. she had no answer for that.”

another co-worker, phil abbott, was asked if he had any ideas as to who had killed marlowe. “who gives a shit?” was his reply. “whoever did it should get a medal.”

the only demur this reporter found was from the reverend bob barton, of the second church on mainwaring road. “i appreciate that the district attorney’s office has budget issues,” he said. “but i still think it sets a bad precedent. cathy was one of god’s children, and i hope she has found peace.”

(denise mallory and allie mcdonald contributed to the reporting of this piece)