incident at the border - 4. cupcakes, religion, and detectives

by nick nelson

illustrated by konrad kraus and roy dismas

part four of forty

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here

joe continued along the road with his new acquaintance magnus. they did not encounter any other foot travelers. a few vehicles - trucks, buses, and motorcycles - passed them, all headed into the city. joe began to feel hungry, and he took one of teresa’s chocolate cupcakes out of his pocket. he felt that it would only be polite to offer the other one in his pocket to magnus, and he did so. magnus regarded the proferred cupcake a bit dubiously but accepted it. “why thank you, young man, that is very kind of you. are you sure you can spare it, and will not suffer any pangs of hunger because of your generosity?” “oh no, sir,” joe laughed. “i am sure civilization has progressed to the point where no one need suffer pangs of hunger, except perhaps in pursuit of some religious ideal.” magnus had started to put the cupcake in his mouth but stopped. “hmm. so you are an expert on religion, are you?’” joe blushed a little. “no, sir, far from it, i am sorry to say. of course we had a little library in our home with copies of the basic texts of all the major religions - buddhism, christianity, judaism, islam, marxism, darwinism and so forth - as required of mother to be granted a license to procreate - but i am afraid i did not peruse it as assiduously as i might.” “i see, “ magnus replied. “well, nothing to be ashamed of there. few in this ignorant age avail themselves of the opportunities for knowledge so dutifully provided by such authority as prevails in these degenerate and unredeemed times - but, you are young yet, and who knows…” the sage seemed to lose his train of thought, and took a bite of the chocolate cupcake. “that is true, sir, who knows?” joe agreed. “i say, this is quite tasty.” magnus , having bitten off and swallowed half the cupcake, flourished the remaining half at joe. “did you make it yourself? you should sell them, if you do. make a bundle.” “i did not bake it myself, my sister did,” joe admitted. “i was never much for cooking or baking, almost all of my experience in day to day life consisted of taking care of animals, particularly pigs, with whom i enjoyed a natural rapport.” “mmm,” magnus replied, with his mouth full of the other half of the cupcake. “what exactly did you mean by a bundle, sir, when you spoke of the commercial possibilities of my sister’s cupcakes? the recipe for them has mutated through several generations of smith females. by a bundle do you mean a billion dollars? because i would very much like to be a billionaire.” “no, no, nothing like that.” magnus brushed a few cupcake crumbs off his jaw. “but a person might survive selling a few on the street corner, that is all i meant.” “oh.” “ha, ha! do not make such a long face. survival is not to be sneezed at, in these perilous times. why i, myself, an accredited poet and sage of the twelfth degree, am quite happy to survive.” magnus sighed. “yes, happy just to survive.” joe did not care for the direction the conversation was taking, and changed the subject. “do you know, sir, how i would go about becoming a homicide detective? al things considered, i think that is the path i would like to pursue in the great city, at least at first.” “why, i have never given the matter much thought. i suppose you could inquire at any police station, of which there are no lack in this city or in any city. i would guess you would have to start out as an ordinary patrolman, unless you had some sort of extraordinary qualifications.” “but surely, sir, you must know some homicide detectives?” joe persisted. “why no, i do not believe i have ever made the personal acquaintance of one.” “you haven’t?” joe was shocked. how could a person reach an advanced age living in a large city and not know a single homicide detective? he wondered if he should ask the sage if he knew any trained deadly assassins, or any vampire hunters? 5. in sight of the city

incident at the border - 3. magnus

by nick nelson

illustrated by konrad kraus and roy dismas

part three of forty

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here

the first person joe encountered on the road was not walking towards him, towards the country, but ahead of him, towards the city. the person in question was a heavy set individual who was walking with a ponderous gait and it would only be a matter of minutes before joe caught up with him or her. good, thought joe, perhaps this person will prove to be friendly and will give me some useful information or even advice about what to expect in the city. joe came up behind the person, who was wearing a heavy gray cloak, even though the weather was on the warm side, and a tall black hat. like a magician? joe wondered, as he recalled seeing a few television shows about magicians although they had not much interested him, not as much as shows about bigfoot or serial killers or homicide detectives. joe drew abreast of the person, and wished it a cheerful good morning. the person turned its face - a long sad oval face - to joe and the first thing joe noticed was a huge purple clown nose in the middle of it. a clown! joe knew that clowns existed but had never given them much thought, let alone considered becoming one himself. in fact he did not have a very clear idea of what clowns did, if anything. “good morning to yourself,” the clown-faced personage returned joe’s greeting, in a deep rumbling voice, giving joe confidence that the person was, as he had suspected, male. “a fine morning,” joe offered in an attempt to continue the conversation. “some might think so,” replied the clown, “some might think so.” joe noticed for the first time that the clown was carrying a heavy stick in his hand, which joe had not noticed as it had been concealed by the clown’s bulk, and by his cape. the clown shook his stick at joe, though not in a threatening manner. “i percieve, young man, that you have the cheerful countenance of one whose experience of the world is none the most comprehensive.” “that is true, sir. in fact i have just been released into the world this morning.” “i see. you have a confident enough air. would it be presumptuous to ask what your plans, if any, are, as you proceed along the high road into the great metropolis?” “well,sir “ joe replied, encouraged by the clown’s show of polite interest ,” i have not given the matter as much thought as perhaps i might . i have thought of perhaps becoming a billionaire, or a movie director, or a lone wolf dispensing solitary justice, as i know that these are some of the occupations available to humans in the modern world. “ the clown laughed. “that is all very well, young man, but these occupations, as you cal them, do not account for a very large proportion of the world’s daily endeavors. i do not have a head for figures, but i know that persons engaging in them amount to very much less than 1 percent of the world’s population.” “i am not very good at mathematics myself,” joe admitted. “but perhaps i could settle for being a homicide detective, and matching wits with serial killers.” “ha ha! so you would rather be a homicide detective and not a serial killer yourself, eh?” “oh no, sir! as much as i might enjoy matching wits with homicide detectives, i have an abhorrence of violence, and would not wish to inflict any harm on my fellow creatures.” “worthy sentiments. we can only hope that you hold to them as you penetrate more deeply into this sadly compromised and unforgiving world.” “what about yourself, sir? are you a clown? or perhaps a magician? as you seem to exhibit some of the outward signs of both those time honored identities.” “i am both a clown and a magician, my young friend, as well as a poet, a dreamer, a visionary, and the architect of a better future for all living things.” joe’s eyes widened. “i see,” he said. “you do not seem impressed.” “oh but sir, i am, i am indeed!” joe protested. “my name is magnus, by the way,” the clown-poet-visionary continued, fixing joe with his dark gaze, but not breaking stride as he did so. “my name is joe, and i am pleased to meet you.” 4. cucakes, religion, and detectives

incident at the border - 2. starting out

by nick nelson

illustrated by konrad kraus and roy dismas

part two of forty

for part one, click here

it was a nice day, and mother smith was sitting outside in her favorite chair. she was not exactly watching the world go by, as her house was up on a hill, and the road to the city was obscured by a row of trees, but she was staring into the void, as was her accustomed way, thinking her own thoughts, whatever those may have been. joe emerged from the house, with his suitcase. children leaving the house on their seventeenth birthday were given a choice of a suitcase or a backpack to carry away such belongings as they had and wished to take with them. 76 percent chose the backpack, but joe was among the 23 percent who opted for the suitcase. (one percent chose neither.) joe’s suitcase was hastily and lightly packed, and not too heavy. in his pocket were two of the chocolate cupcakes teresa had given him, as well as some loose change he had saved, and the lucky coin he had found while tending the pigs. “good morning, mother,” said joe. “good morning, joe,” mother replied. “i see you have a nice day to begin your travels. i remember when matilda left last year it was pouring rain, so you may consider yourself fortunate.” “indeed i do,” said joe. he looked down the hill. “i can never remember which way is the city and which is the country, although i have been told several times.” “i believe there is a sign on the highway,” said mother, “but in any case if you go left you will head into the city and if you go right you will go into the countryside.” “thank you,” said joe. “that should not be too difficult to remember. good-bye, mother. thank you for bringing me into this world. “ “it was my pleasure. good-bye, joe.” joe started down the hill. the path was clearly marked, and he reached the bottom of the hill safely. he remembered that he had forgotten to say good-bye to the pigs, especially parmenter, his favorite, but after a monent’s hesitation he continued on his way and reached the highway. but he had forgotten again which direction the city was in, and he did not see the sign that mother had described. of course nobody in the world cared which direction he took. joe started walking. as he walked along he wondered what sort of person he would first encounter. a vampire? a billionaire? a movie star? a serial killer or homicide detective? a world famous novelist or movie director? a mad preacher or guru? a trained deadly assassin? a lone wolf dispensing solitary justice? joe was familiar with all these types from watching television in the evenings with mother and the other children after finishing his chores. or would he first meet just an ordinary person like himself, wandering the earth? finally he came to the sign mother had told him about. he was heading in the direction of the city. 3. magnus

incident at the border - 1. birthday boy

by nick nelson

illustrated by konrad kraus and roy dismas

part one of forty

mother smith had a new baby every year on november 1, and as there was room for only eighteen people (including herself) in her little white house, each child on its seventeenth birthday had to leave home and find its own way in the world. today it was joe’s turn. joe had always been a cheerful child, though not very bright or curious, and unlike many of his predecessors had never studied much or given much thought as to what he would do when he was released from the white house. on the big day (for him) joe got up with the rest of the family at six o’clock, but in honor of the occasion of his departure he was not assigned any “chores” as his previous chore of feeding the pigs had now passed to his brother eddie, who had become fifteen years old. so joe just lay in bed until breakfast time, staring at the low ceiling of the room he had shared with the three other oldest boys, and wondering what life held in store for him in the great wide world. the other three were at their assigned tasks - their new assigned tasks, as each had moved up one spot on the duty roster - and the house was somewhat quiet, except for the plaintive crying of the newborn baby, adelaide, and the sound of bacon sizzling in the kitchen. there was a knock on the door. “come in,” said joe, and the door opened and his sisters teresa and gaia entered. teresa had just turned sixteen and gaia fourteen. they were the two oldest females in the house except of course for mother who had no age, and joe had always gotten along very well with both of them. “good morning, joe,” said gaia and teresa in unison. “good morning,” joe replied. “i hope you slept well, “ said gaia, “in the night before your big day.” “i do not know if it as big as all that,” joe replied with a smile, “after all it must happen to everybody who passes through this world.” “true that,” agreed teresa, “but look here, joe, i have brought you something to take with you as you begin your travels. i know you have always expressed a sincere appreciation of my chocolate cupcakes, so here are a dozen of them, neatly wrapped in aluminum foil, and placed in a plain brown bag.,” “why, thank you so much!” joe exclaimed. “these will really hit the spot, especially as it seems to be a cool day, and i am sure to work up an appetite walking along the road to the city.” “i hope you have room in your bag for them,” said teresa, with a smile. “oh, do not worry about that,” replied joe. “that reminds me, i had better start packing, as i do not want to outstay my welcome, in this house in which i have spent my entire existence up to now.” “so,” said gaia, “you have decided to head for the city , hey, and not deep into the country? what decided you, if you do not mind my asking?” “i flipped a coin,” said joe, “as i could not decide any other way. i am sure either choice would have been good.” “and wherever did you get a coin?” asked gaia. “i found it about a week ago, when i was feeding the pigs. the wind must have blown it into the yard. i do not know where it came from, or what it is worth or what country it is a coin of, but i hope it will bring me luck.” “speaking of things that might bring you luck, joe, i too have a present for you, “ said gaia, “and one that will not take up too much space in your bag or even in your pocket.” and with that gaia handed joe a little wooden figurine that she had carved, a plain unpainted figure of a woman with one large eye and one small eye, staring vacantly into space, or at some distant horizon. joe would much have preferred something edible, but as he was well brought up, like all the smith children, he did not say so, but replied, “”thank you so much gaia, i am sure it will bring me all the luck in the world, unlike the coin i found among the pigs, which might portend anything or nothing.” “well, joe,” said gaia, changing the subject, “things will be different with you gone, and eddie moving up to number one boy, and even more so with sal moving up to number two boy, as i have always thought him a somewhat devious rascal, with thoughts that are a mystery to all.” “oh, sal is all right,” said joe, “he has a good heart under his somewhat mysterious exterior and i am sure everything will go on as it always has.” “we had best be getting along now,” said teresa, “as it is a busy time wth the new baby and so many of us assuming new duties, so we will leave you now with a final good luck.” “good luck to you, too,” said joe. “and to mother and everybody else.” with that teresa and gaia left the room and closed the door behind them, leaving joe to his packing and to his thoughts. 2. starting out