Friday, July 28, 2017

naturally i jump in


by nick nelson

illuatrated by konrad kraus




i’m walking down the street, minding my own business.

i see these two guys on the ground, one on top of the other, beating the shit out of each other.

i start to walk around them and i see the guy in the bottom is my friend mac.

naturally, i jump in.

i grab the other guy around the neck and start pounding on him and we all three roll around together.

then mac bites me on the leg!

what the fuck!

mac, i yell, it’s me, buddy, your pal! bite this cocksucker on his leg, not mine!

but things are going so fast and furious i don’t know if mac hears me, and the three of us all keep banging away at each other!

finally somebody calls the cops!

break it up! break it up you fucking trolls, the cops yell and start whacking us with their clubs!

finally they get us all apart and put us in the wagon.

i look up and i see mac and we start laughing!

look at my leg you sick motherfucker, i yell at mac, that was me you were biting the whole time! i’m going to be crippled for life!

we both have a good laugh but then we look around and notice -

where’s the other guy? where’s the cocksucker mac was fighting to begin with?

they probably let him go because he was the mayor’s son or some shit!

maybe he was a cop, says mac. i thought from the beginning he might be a cop.

fuck!

so we get to the jail and i think, well maybe they got some half way decent food, because you never know.

but before i can ask about when they feed us, mac asks where the tv room is, and this fatass bitch guard says, sorry fellas, this is an old school jail, no tv for your first 24 hours, you got to show you are good boys first.

fuck you, bitch! i think but i didn’t say that out loud.

so they stick me and mac in the big cell and i say to the fatass guard hey i need a doctor, look at this bite on my leg, and she tells me to shut my faggot mouth, but not in that nice a way.

so me and mac are sitting there shooting the shit and then suddenly the guard comes back with another guard, another bitch with an even fatter ass and she says they have an announcement to make.

some fucking aliens have landed and their spaceship landed in the river and it’s flooded and they need all the cons and jailbirds and bums they can get to fill up sandbags.

fuck! can things get any more fucked up?

i ask the first fatass if we can get something to eat first and she just looks at me and doesn’t say anything. i ask again about a doctor for my leg and she just leans against the cell door and ignores me.

then another guard, a big ape with a shotgun, shows up and they start moving us out of the cells and the rec room and out to these trucks waiting outside.

mac asks the guy with the shotgun, are we just going to fill sandbags or are we going to have to fight these aliens?

and the guard tells him, no, man, they got solders for that shit, don’t worry about it.

so we all get in the truck.

and we drive. and drive. and drive. we are out in the middle of nowhere.

where is this fucking place, i ask the guard, alaska? china?

you’ll get there soon enough, he says, just relax and enjoy the scenery.

finally we start to hear shooting. and then we get to the river and all hell is breaking loose.

we get off the truck and this army guy, a sergeant or general or whatever the fuck he is, comes over and says to the guard, in this deep voice like darth vader , give me some of your healthier specimens and we’ll give them weapons and move them up forward.

and the guard says, shouldn’t it be the other way around? have the stronger ones stay here and fill and move the sandbags? any pussy can pull a trigger.

and darth vader says, that’s good thinking, soldier, even though the guy is just a fucking jail guard and not a soldier at all.

so me with my bad leg and mac who’s all banged up and has a cough like a fucking monkey, they put us on a fucking raft with the rest of the weak sisters and they float us over to where the shooting is going on.

and the aliens aren’t shooting bullets, they are shooting death rays or some shit that burn holes right through you!

no sooner do they give us these rifles that look like something you’d give an eight-year old kid for christmas than one off the aliens shoots a ray that goes through mac’s head leaving a burnt out hole the size of a baseball and he’s dead!

and then things really started to get fucked up! i can’t even describe it.

so finally it gets dark and the aliens get beaten off and they put us - the ones that are left - back on the truck and we head back to the jail.

nobody feels like talking on the way back but with so many guys left behind dead at least we have room to stretch out a little bit.

i’m hoping we at least get some decent grub when we get back.

no such luck. they give us raspberry kool aid and bologna sandwiches. they were the worst bologna sandwiches i’ve ever eaten and, brother, i’ve eaten some bad bologna sandwiches.

now, you are probably thinking, after all that, that i might regret getting involved and never should have jumped in to help mac and then all this wouldn’t have happened to me.

but if you think that , that is because you are some kind of snowflake faggot hillary clinton voter.

mac was my friend. i had to help him or give up my honor.

and without honor we have nothing.