ask for mister black and tell him red sent you - 21. the lobby

by nick nelson

part twenty-one of twenty-nine

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edward had studied hard for the examination, the results of which would determine the details of the rest of his life - and whether he would have a life. so he was determined to be on time for the examination and arrived half an hour early. when he arrived at the administrative building where the examination was to take place, he entered it by the wide front door. the lobby was deserted. except for one person in a uniform, seated at a desk and apparently occupied on a phone. edward looked around. he was surprised to find that there were no other people, as he would have expected that others besides himself would wish to be early for so important an examination. he also thought there would be signs giving directions to the room where the examination would be held, but he did not see any. there was nothing else for it, so he approached the desk where the person was seated. he walked up to the desk where the person was still listening on the phone held up tight to its ear. the person began speaking, in a language edward did not understand and could not even recognize. being both well brought up and a naturally polite and considerate person, he backed off from the desk so as to be out of hearing range, even though he did not comprehend a word he was hearing. the uniformed person continued talking, giving no indication of having seen or noticed edward at all. edward checked the time on his phone. the minutes were moving along toward the start time of the examination! after all this, his intense study for the examination and the trouble he had taken to be well on time for it… the thought of actually being late for it was …was… what if somehow he was not even in the right building! what if the examination was on the other side of the city, or in another city, or in another province of the empire! but he had gone over the directions again and again… suddenly he realized that the person at the desk was talking to him. shouting at him, actually. what are the fuck are you doing listening to my private conversation, asshole? i am sorry, edward stammered, i did not mean to, and i - i don’t understand the language you were talking in , anyway. bullshit! you aren’t a very good liar, my man. you were sucking up every word i said, like a baby elephant. i - i really could not understand you, honest, edward pleaded. and i thought i was standing far enough away anyway. oh? so , if you were standing that far away, how do you know what language was speaking in, you pathetic lying sack of shit? i - i don’t know. edward was so frightened and confused he was almost shedding tears. i just - i just - i’m sorry - i’m so sorry. all i wanted was the chance to take the examination so that i could maybe ———just maybe have a chance to exist. ———— that’s all i know, honest. the person at the desk was laughing, and making signs of “holding sides laughing.” edward began sobbing, but made a great effort to control himself. the desk person finally subsided with the “holding sides laughing” but had no sooner done so, than a loud voice split the air. what is going on here? what are you doing, khan? why is this young man sobbing uncontrollably? have you been up to your tricks, harassing worthy citizens? edward noticed, through his drying eyes, that the desk person’s phone had disappeared from view. i don’t know, sir, why don’t you ask him? no, i will not ask him, the newcomer asserted. i will believe my own eyes and ears, if you please. edward thought the assertive newcomer - apparently the desk person’s boss - a curious looking individual. quite fat, but powerful looking, he wore a black mustache, a purple sash, and a red fez. edward had never seen such an outfit before except on television. but , edward had never seen much of anything except on television. i will deal with you later, khan, the fat man told the desk person. he turned to edward. what can i do for you, citizen? edward haltingly explained that he had come for the examination, but that he was afraid he had come at the wrong time or to the wrong place, or both. not a bit of it, the fat man told him. the examination is indeed being held here. you are the first person to show up, and may well be the last, as the examination has not had too many takers lately. be that as it may, come with me, and i will lead you to the examination room. though somewhat bewildered by the man’s assertions, edward felt an overwhelming sense of relief, and his tears dried up completely. as for you, the fat man addressed the desk person, i would advise you to pack your bags for a long trip. i think i will call my union representative. the fat man roared with laughter. yes, do that, khan, do that. ha, ha, ha! 22. the room

ask for mister black and tell him red sent you - 20. mac and muggsy

by nick nelson

part twenty of twenty-nine

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barry woke up at five thirty as he always did, without the aid of an alarm clock. he had his usual breakfast of instant coffee and a coupe of slices of cold pizza. on some mornings he also had a small glass of orange juice - in an old welch’s jelly jar that his father had owned before him, because he knew he should get some vitamin c - but on this morning he just was not up to it. he could hear it raining outside, though not nearly as hard as it had been on the night - was it really less than a week ago? - that he had decided to start a new life. in his usual routine, barry would give himself about half an hour after finishing his breakfast before leaving for work. he might check the baseball scores from the previous night - many of which he might already have seen or heard before gong to bed. or, more usually, he would just stare into space for the half hour. but on this morning, he left as soon as he finished his second cup of coffee, so as to check out 53 wayne street before reporting to work. he realized that 53 wayne street, if it existed at all, and whatever it might be, might not be open for business so early in the morning, but he just wanted to see if it was there. barry got into his van - actually the delivery company’s van. but as a trusted employee he was allowed to take it home at night. he kept it spotlessly clean and made sure it was always in good working order. and he always scrupulously logged the mileage he accrued for his personal use. he quickly found 53 wayne street on the gps. as he thought, it was not that far away, or that out of the way from the dispatch office. barry parked on wayne, directly across from number 53. there were no people on the street at all. there was a little diner on the first floor of one of the buildings, but it did not look open. none of the other buildings on the street, including 53, seemed to have any commercial occupancies. it was still raining, pretty hard. barry got out of the van and approached 53. it looked like an ordinary apartment building, with steps leading up to a front door, and the windows to basement apartments on either side of the stairs. barry squinted up at the number on the door. yes, it said 53 all right. there were no lights showing in any of the windows. he was getting wet very quickly. he decided to give it up and come back some other time. as he turned to go back to the van, he heard a voice. “looking for someone?” it was a girl, or young woman, under an umbrella. she was ordinary looking, and wearing dark or thick glasses. barry did not care much for women, and avoided them as much as possible, but he thought this one looked like a particularly nasty specimen. “is this 53 wayne street?” barry asked. “it looks that way. can’t you read the number on the door?” “are you mac?” barry asked the young woman. as soon as he said it, he realized he had gotten it wrong, he was supposed to ask for muggsy and tell him that mac sent him. “am i who?” the young woman asked in a mean voice. “i’m sorry, i meant are you muggsy?” “what? what? what are you talking about, asshole?” this is not going too well, barry thought. “i am sorry, i was told to come to this address - “ “i don’t give a fuck what anybody told you, get the fuck away from me, you creep.” “sure, sure, whatever you say.” barry did not think he had been standing that close to the young woman, but he did not want to argue with her, he just wanted to get away. i really messed this up good, he thought, as he headed back to the van with the rain beating on his head. the young woman shouted a few things at him as he got back in the van and drove off, but he could not make out what she said. 21. the lobby

ask for mister black and tell him red sent you - 19. the rodent

by nick nelson

part nineteen of twenty-nine

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barry walked around the hostess/librarian’s desk, and past the shelves of books to the back of the library half of the building. behind the last shelf was a long table with a few wooden chairs around it. barry still had not seen anybody in the building except the woman at the front desk. she had told him that books about world religions were here “in the back”, but the shelves did not seem labeled in any way, and the light - from fluorescent tubes in the ceiling - was dim. there were books on shelves built into the back wall, and barry approached them uncertainly. as he did, he noticed for the first time a single book on the long table. could this be a book about world religions? the book looked old. it had a plain brown cover, with no title or marking that barry could see, and it looked worn and scuffed. barry picked it up and opened it. there was a folded piece of paper inside the front cover. he unfolded it. it read - 53 wayne street. ask for muggsy and tell him mac sent you. barry had dim primal memories of a world filled with guys named mac and muggsy. and he knew 53 wayne street was. or at least where a 53 wayne street was. as he stood there wondering whether to put the piece of paper back in the book or into his pocket he noticed that the book had changed into a small brown animal who was looking up at him with sad black eyes. he was not sure what kind of animal. a rodent of some kind, just a large rat? it just sat on the table lumpily. it did not look threatening, but it was not cute or cuddly looking either, actually kind of slimy despite the fur… the creature spoke. it repeated… “53 wayne street. ask for muggsy and tell him mac sent you” barry woke up. he remembered “53 wayne street. ask for muggsy and tell hm mac sent you.” he had a pretty good memory but he decided to write it down just to be safe. he had a book of crossword puzzles and a pencil on his kitchen table and he used the pencil to write the message in some white space in the crossword book. it was three o’clock in the morning. he would decide what to do when he woke up for good at five thirty. he thought 53 wayne street might be not too far out of his way as he made his deliveries. 20. mac and muggsy

ask for mister black and tell him red sent you - 18. the library

by nick nelson

part eighteen of twenty-nine

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they left the city behind, and nat turner kept his foot on the gas as they sped down the dark highway. there were no lights on the highway, or any other cars, and no signs for speed limits or so many miles to somewhere or for exits. “where are we going?” barry finally asked. “you’ll find out,” nat said . but he didn’t say it in a mean way. “just wait,” robert e lee added in a kindly voice. “i have to get up in the morning,” said barry. “i have to go to the library.” “we are going to the library now,” said nat. barry did not know what to say to that, so he said nothing. finally barry saw a building up ahead. it was long and low and brightly lit, like a “roadhouse” you saw in the movies, but he did not think there were any roadhouses in real life. as they got closer, he saw that the signs were just bright lights, without words. “is that the library?” barry asked. “yes it is,” said robert e lee. “does it have books about world religions?” barry asked. “i don’t see why not,” robert e lee answered. nat turner pulled the car into the huge parking lot of the library/roadhouse. there were no other cars in the lot, but the building, seen up close, was even more brightly lit than it had seemed from the road. nat got out of the car and headed toward the building. barry followed him. barry looked back, and robert e lee had gotten out of the back seat and was leaning against the car. “i think i’ll stay out here and have a smoke,” robert e lee told barry. “i’ll follow you fellows later.” barry nodded, and then turned and hurried after nat. inside the building indeed seemed to be both a library and a “roadhouse”. there was a desk right inside the door, and a large woman wearing a low cut black dress and a red flower in her hair sat behind it. barry thought the desk looked like it belonged to a library, but the woman looked like a “hostess” in a “roadhouse” in an old movie on television at three in the morning. behind the desk and to the right of it were tall, dimly lit shelves of books. the area to the left of the desk, behind a glass wall and glass door, seemed to be the “roadhouse,” a lot of round tables covered with white tablecloths, with a bar and a bandstand barely visible in the gloom of the background. both sides seemed deserted. at least, barry did not see any people or movement. “can i help ypu?” the “hostess” asked nat and barry. nat took off his wide brimmed black hat and answered, “yes, ma’am, i would like a scotch and soda and a book about how to mix martinis. and this young fellow is looking for books about the religions of the world.” the hostess fixed her dark eyes on barry. “Is that true? is what he says true? you are looking for books about world religions?” ”yes, ma’am.” “how strange,” the hostess replied. she nodded over her shoulder. “straight back, all the way back.” barry hesitated. “will there be anybody back there to help me?” “maybe.” the hostess turned her attention to nat. “if you want a drink, go through the door. go through the door, if you please, don’t try to walk through the wall.” “i would never do that, ma’am,” nat smiled. “what about my book on mixing martinis?” “i will have it for you when you leave.” 19. the rodent

ask for mister black and tell him red sent you - 17. the first dream

by nick nelson

part seventeen of twenty-nine

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on the following day barry was scheduled to work from seven o’clock to three o’clock in the afternoon.. he decided this would give him plenty of time to go to the library snd pick up a couple of books on world religion. he could get a good night’s sleep and not be too tired to go to the library after he got off work. having eaten a plain pizza instead of one with anchovies or mortadella, he expected he would probably not have many dreams, even though he had had half a serving of buffalo fries. but in this barry was mistaken. he would prove to be mistaken about a lot of things in the coming days and weeks. he had no sooner fallen asleep than he found himself in a combination of his third grade classroom and a beach with pounding surf. he was confronted by harmon killebrew and ernie banks, two familiar figures from his dreams. harmon was wearing his old twins uniform and ernie was wearing his old cubs uniform. they both had baseball bats slung over their shoulders, and ernie was leaning on a tall stack of old books with black and brown leather covers that looked like bibles. a salvation army band was playing in the background, but not making any sound. “congratulations, bro, on your new life,” harmon greeted barry, “we know you are going to be just great at it and hit the ball out of the park.” “that’s right, brother, “ ernie added. “and we brought you a little something to help you out.” he tapped the big pile of bible-looking books with his bat. “these will get you started. just read these, and then we will get you a fresh pile.” “are those bibles?” barry asked hesitantly. “they sure are,” said ernie. “bibles of every religion that ever was or ever will be. these are just scratching the surface in the dust, but they will do to get you started.” “i thought i would go to the library tomorrow, and maybe get one or two books, kind of like an overview - “ ‘like cliff notes,” said ernie. “yeah, like cliff notes,.” barry laughed a little uncertainly. “you don’t want to do that, bro,” said harmon. “that would be the lazy man’s way. you want to get into the cage, and hit and hit and hit until you get blisters on your hands.” “he’s right,” ernie added. “he’s right. you listen to what the man says.” as much as barry appreciated the advice and concern from two real old time ballplayers, from back in the day when ballplayers were ballplayers and not a bunch of candy ass crybaby millionaires who din’t really love the game, he was not sure if he could read all the bibles… he wondered what kind of advice they would have given him if he had drawn the paper to be a serial killer or a stalker, or if they would have even showed up… suddenly there was a great commotion on the beach and barry heard people shouting “tsunami! tsunsami!” and the beach was filled with girls in one piece bathing suits who all looked like slightly different versions of annette funicello, shouting tsunami! tsunami! and they turned into birds, big gray and white seagulls with flapping wings who filled the suddenly dark sky… harmon and ernie were gone, and the wind was blowing the bibles all over the beach… barry tried to grab the bibles but no sooner did he pick one up than he dropped another… he just could not grab hold of them… a car came to a screeching stop in front of him in the wet sand. get in! get in! a voice shouted. barry thought it was harmon and ernie, but when he got in the car he saw it was really nat turner and general robert e lee. nat turner was driving and robert e lee was in the back seat. leave them, son, leave them, robert e lee shouted when barry tried to take the bibles into the car with him. plenty more where those came from, just get in and close the door. they were speeding down a dark highway… barry kept expecting a road block up ahead but nat turner kept his foot on the gas… 18. the library

ask for mister black and tell him red sent you - 16. the drawing

by nick nelson

part sixteen of twenty-nne

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barry’s hat came a couple of days earlier than he expected. he was glad he had not paid for any kind of expedited shipping. it had been described on amazon as a classic men’s structured herringbone band fedora, and so far as he could tell, that is what it was. it was a hat, that was for sure, just like you saw in old movies being worn by humphrey bogart or cary grant. and it was perfect for the purpose barry had purchased it for. but now that he had it in his hand, he felt just a bit nervous. not that he had any thought of not going through with his plan. when he made up his mind to do something, he did it. he was that kind of guy. he decided to do the drawing from the hat after he had his dinner - a plain cheese pizza, buffalo fries, and a diet coke. he had had a slightly trying day, with a lot of heavy traffic and having to bypass a couple of accidents on the freeways, and he wanted to be relaxed and well fed when he took the big step toward his new life. in considering the fourteen things he had written down on the fourteen pieces of paper, barry had a few misgivings. some of them might prove difficult to carry out in his spare time. like being a “wandering minstrel “. how far could he wander in his time off from work? there was no question of quitting his job. he had to eat! of course some of the others, like writing a best selling novel or starting a new religion, might pay their own way, and then he could quit his job with a clear conscience and not be some kind of bum or parasite on society. nor was there any question of backing down from what he had decided. he was not that kind of person. slowly he chewed the last buffalo fry and drained the last drop of his diet coke. the time had come. he put the pizza box and the buffalo fry container in the trash, and rinsed out the diet coke can and put it in his recycle bin. he found the fourteen slips of paper which he had prepared days ago and put them in the classic men’s structured herringbone band fedora. they were all exactly the same size, being pages carefully removed from a small notebook he had purchased years ago at walgreens for some reason he had completely forgotten. he shook the hat. holding his breath, he reached into the hat and gripped one, and only one, slip of paper. he put the hat down on the table in from of him. he unfolded the slip of paper. it read - 14 - to combine all the previous and existing religions into one so that was that. it occurred to him that of all the possibilities this would involve the most work, as he would have to do a lot of research before proceeding. at the same time he was a little relieved that he would not have to be a serial killer, or track down and kill child molesters and kiddie porn merchants, as he was not entirely sure of his ability to do those things. not that he would have shrunk from trying. he had delivered himself up to fate, and fate had spoken. 17. the first dream

ask for mister black and tell him red sent you - 15. the hat

by nick nelson

part fifteen of twenty-nine

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…but after devising a plan of sorts for what to do with the rest of his life, barry managed to fall asleep. it must not be supposed that barry had been completely oblivious to the world outside himself, or to the fact that there were people in it whose interests were different from his own. in fact he was somewhat better informed than most people in america. he had never had a wife or children to distract him, and his jobs were straightforward ones not involving any kind of “office politics”. he actually watched the news most nights, not just the sports. he knew that there was such a thing as global warming, such a thing as feminism, that same sex marriage had been a big deal, etc., though he had no opinions of his own on any of those things. he even knew the name of the vice-president of the united states, and the secretary of state, and the speaker of the house. in considering the prospect of a new life, he knew he had several choices. he took a pad of paper and wrote down a number of options. he decided he would write them each on a separate scrap of paper and put them in a hat and draw one out. the options were: 1 - to be a street preacher 2 - to write children’s books 3 - to write a best seller with lots of sex in it 4 - to be an internet troll (right wing) 5 - to be an internet troll (politically correct) 6 - to be a volunteer in a soup kitchen 7 - to hold up gas stations and convenience stores 8 - to be a serial killer 9 - to be an obscene phone caller (a challenge in today’s world) 10 - to stalk women 11 - to track down and kill child molesters, kiddie porn merchants, and other evil people who had escaped justice : 12 - to be a street poet and wandering minstrel 13 - to start a brand new religion 14 - to combine all the previous and existing religions into one after writing down the choices on pieces of paper and folding them up, barry realized he did not have a hat to put them in. in some of his previous jobs he had had uniforms with caps but he had thrown them away or had to return them to the employers. he had never worn a hat on his own in his life. the cap he wore on his job was too small. had his father owned a hat? barry could not remember that he ever had. in any case it was not worth searching the house for one. he decided to order a hat from amazon. when amazon asked if he wanted expedited shipping, he clicked “no”. he would wait for regular delivery. 16. the drawing